Wow. This resonated with me so much! Very eloquent and methodically put. Thank you so much for sharing, it makes so much more sense listed out like this
This will help so many people 🥰 yes it resonated with me too. I miss your voice reading it! However the AI voice made me chuckle every time she said Fuck this, fuck that, fuck Christmas 🤣. You are doing great and almost at stage 11. 'Oh wow! my life is better than it's ever been' X
Thank you lovely lady. Haha I just listened to the AI voice over lunch today. It really made me laugh. She couldn’t decide what accent she had?! I think she went German at one point. And at the end, she said “until the next time, fuel my future with caffeine” which was really funny.
I’m really looking forward to number 11. Feels a little way off. I’m happy to wait where I am for a while though 🥰 love ya xxx
Sometimes it helps to dig at what went wrong; however, if we knew we were unpicking our marriage thread by thread, we’d have possibly made different choices at the time. Now, many years on from my divorce, I’m glad my first marriage ended but every now and then the shame, guilt, embarrassment, whatever rears up. But it’s silly. We don’t assign that to “normal” breakups. Just divorces. It is just the ending of a chapter, freeing your life for all the joy you have to come. But it’s not easy when you’re in the trenches. Sending so much love and healing. (And I don’t know the details of your marriage in that you have children together so that’s difficult and you may have had a mostly really happy marriage and that also makes it much harder. But you will get there.) 🫶🏻🤞🏻🥰
Thank you Elaine. You are always so kind and say the most thoughtful things ❤️ yes our family really functioned well. There’s a lot of love still there. It’s the marriage that wasn’t working. Which makes it incredibly hard to end it. The bits that were working were lovely. There’s a lot I will miss. I look forward to the future days of joy, I really hope to find them. There are glimmers ✨ xx
I fear my comments aren't going to be terribly helpful (sorry).
I'm selfishly answering the questions you posed at the end - my divorce was finalised in November 2024, and we were separated since August 2023. I don't think either of us really went through any stages. It's been a painless, amicable process (so far) and we're both happy with the outcome. We still co-habit because of circumstances (the whole having to leave Ukraine, now we're refugees, barely have any money in Vienna, etc). My experience is very atypical, I gather, and I'm happy to be a single father with my daughter my sole priority, whereas my ex (much younger) has herself a serious new partner and is the social butterfly.
It pains me to hear how agonising divorces can be for others, and I feel for you, I really do.
Here's the thing that may or may not help. Mentally, I'm not the strongest person in the world. I'm stressed, anxious, I barely sleep and for the longest time I would overanalyse things, try to figure out what went wrong (especially in past relationships). I reached the point in life - maybe it's age (I'm 48) - and probably due to the war and losing so much that I thought 'fuck it, what's the point?' I've barely analysed or reflected at all, and that's helped me.
So I think I've been stuck, in a good way, between your stages 3-5, and I've settled in there. Christmas (6) seemed to be a catalyst for a setback, so hopefully now that that's done with, there won't be a recurrence? Can you find a way to recapture the mindset of stages 3-5 and stay mentally there?
Stage 9 is a dangerously unhealthy one, and that's what I've managed to avoid. Ten years ago - maybe not. But now...well, fuck it, that's what I've accepted.
That brings us to stage 10, tacit acceptance, and it sounds like you've ended on a great note. This is a really good stage to build on. So, try to embrace stages 3-5 with the conclusion and peace that stage 10 brings and voila, it's smooth sailing ahead! 🤗
Daniel, I'm just so touched that you have read and engaged with everything I've written in such a sensitive way. Thank you ❤️ I don't expect anyone's comments to be helpful, not at all - I simply want to share others' experiences, and that's what you've enabled me to do. I appreciate it very much.
I have no idea if my experience is that same as anyone else's, but it's a curious thing to reflect on it. I do sometimes wonder if my launch into Substack has helped or hindered my processing - I'm really not sure, it does make me dwell on things somewhat - but I tend to think it's helped, given my emotional nature. Certainly, it's given me a sense of purpose when I didn't have one, it's created a much-needed community, and it's resurrected a part of me that I'd started to ignore.
I honestly do feel like I've reached a point of acceptance, at last. I feel things deeply (probably more deeply than I actually allow myself to), and it's taken me (what feels like) a very long time to face into all of the different painful elements of my life transformation. After a difficult few years, I was clinging to my marriage. I just needed to let go, but that was so so painful. However I think I might just about have done it, and that I'm on a healthier path. I think I'm at peace; I certainly feel that way.
I also wanted to add, I'm sorry to hear that you're stressed and anxious. I think "fuck it" is a wonderful life strategy. I have certainly adopted it for various things. It's just not possible to carry the weight of everything... we don't need to. I hope you find time for things that bring you joy? Like you, I'm not interested in a partner right now. I don't even know where I would find the time. But friendships have saved me. I hope you have good connection in your life.
In a couple of weeks, I'm going to run a three-part series of posts with a rough outline like this:
1 doom and gloom, this sucks, but somehow I seem to be coping and all I want to do is write, write, write, consequences be damned (TL;DR- I'm grumpy and fed up)
2 the power of angry and unleashing hell and the impact it can make, with case studies
3 ending on a positive note - the silver linings and how they allow me to get by without going completely mad
I won't lie, the past few years have been rough and when I tell friends the true extent of it, they think 'how are you keeping it together?' and you know what? I hardly know either, but somehow I have, so why quibble? 🤣
Laughing at the absurdity of everything helps a ton. The writing, despite the ups and downs with trying to make a living off this, helps too. Financially, things are looking rough, but, all things considered, I'm somehow doing okay.
Luckily I'm happy with my own company, I rarely get lonely. If I'm not with my daughter, I'd rather just be on my own, reading or writing. If need be, I can always do a video call with a friend, but most of the time I'm okay doing my own thing.
Thank you for your kind words, these Substack connections are always so valuable and uplifting 🤗
Well I look forward to reading those posts! I empathise with the first, and I’m very curious about 2 and 3. I’m also totally with you on laughter. I couldn’t get through any of this shit without laughing!! And I’m happy you have the connection you want. I think I do too, for the most part. Wonderful friends, kids I adore, family I can laugh with and lean on. Life is really good, all things considered. And yes - I am also super grateful for this wonderful Substack community. It’s an amazing thing 🥰
I bet this was a tough one to write, well done for getting it onto the page. I do think writing it down the tough stuff is helpful though. It doesn't do any good bouncing around in your head.
Thank you Lewis. It was actually quite interesting and cathartic to write. I feel better for doing it. Like I’m being honest and being me. And yes, the writing has helped enormously. I’m finally learning who I am, and I think in a large part it’s down to this incredible place!
Firstly, I want to congratulate you on the Take That reference 🥰 Secondly, I have no advice but it sounds to me like these are all normal, natural stages of a divorce - especially one that drops like a bombshell. Keep writing, keep singing, keep having parties in the ladies loos. You’re amazing! X
I bloody love you. I’m still on for birthday wine with you. And now it seems we have the soundtrack too. Can you do the dance routine to It Only Takes A Minute, though? A few drinks in, and I can absolutely nail it*
Katie, I want to congratulate you for writing and sharing this piece! It takes courage! And it was a huge step in your grieving process.
No matter how it ends, who initiated and how amicable it is (at least in my case), it is a very gnarly experience. Who knew the divorce cost so much less (in my case, anyway), yet it was so much more painful as it dragged on ( it was during COVID, the court dragged on…and on…and on). But there is going back and you move through and as I coined the term “Refried beans”, relearn each of the lesson that the divorce brought on over and over and over again until you got them all. No, it’s not linear, and yes, some grief takes a lifetime, of sort. Until then, feel through all the feelings and find joy in small ways (meet up with friends, enjoy people watching at cafe, self care the shit out of yourself, buy yourself some flowers). One day, just one fine day, you will wake up breathing new air…The point is, keeping going…onward…sending you so much support and love!🩷
That is such a good point about learning and re learning the lessons over and over again until you get them. You’re so right! I’m getting there, I think 🥰 Thank you for your kindness and words of support. Also, I buy myself flowers every week now ☺️
Although I haven't been divorced, I had a massive breakdown 6 years ago which has subsequently brought up loads of stuff from my childhood. At 67, people have been pretty critical about my need to make sense of things (just forget the past and move on) as it was so long ago. I think any loss throughout life can take us back and when we feel we're going backwards, it's terrifying. I've learned to trust my bodily sensations, feelings and emotions after decades of suppressing them and stop thinking how I should be. Our siblings recollection of our childhood can be very different to ours which I've found difficult. You're not only mourning and dealing with the loss of your past, but what you thought your future would look like. I guess the thing to do is feel it all and trust yourself. If our early attachments were insecure, it's really tough to trust ourselves. I'm only just beginning to feel like an adult and I've got 8 grandkids 🤣 no one else has lived your life, trust yourself 🤗 Karen x
Wow. This resonated with me so much! Very eloquent and methodically put. Thank you so much for sharing, it makes so much more sense listed out like this
Thank you for your lovely comment! I’m glad it resonated ❤️ Hope you’re doing ok? Sending a hug your way. 🤗
Hi! Thank you. I'm up and down, been in a bit of a funk lately. But I think that sort of goes with the territory.
It does indeed. Be gentle with yourself ❤️
This will help so many people 🥰 yes it resonated with me too. I miss your voice reading it! However the AI voice made me chuckle every time she said Fuck this, fuck that, fuck Christmas 🤣. You are doing great and almost at stage 11. 'Oh wow! my life is better than it's ever been' X
Thank you lovely lady. Haha I just listened to the AI voice over lunch today. It really made me laugh. She couldn’t decide what accent she had?! I think she went German at one point. And at the end, she said “until the next time, fuel my future with caffeine” which was really funny.
I’m really looking forward to number 11. Feels a little way off. I’m happy to wait where I am for a while though 🥰 love ya xxx
🫶🏻
Sometimes it helps to dig at what went wrong; however, if we knew we were unpicking our marriage thread by thread, we’d have possibly made different choices at the time. Now, many years on from my divorce, I’m glad my first marriage ended but every now and then the shame, guilt, embarrassment, whatever rears up. But it’s silly. We don’t assign that to “normal” breakups. Just divorces. It is just the ending of a chapter, freeing your life for all the joy you have to come. But it’s not easy when you’re in the trenches. Sending so much love and healing. (And I don’t know the details of your marriage in that you have children together so that’s difficult and you may have had a mostly really happy marriage and that also makes it much harder. But you will get there.) 🫶🏻🤞🏻🥰
Thank you Elaine. You are always so kind and say the most thoughtful things ❤️ yes our family really functioned well. There’s a lot of love still there. It’s the marriage that wasn’t working. Which makes it incredibly hard to end it. The bits that were working were lovely. There’s a lot I will miss. I look forward to the future days of joy, I really hope to find them. There are glimmers ✨ xx
I get that it doesn’t feel like things will be joyful but it will be. You’ll look back with fondness but be thankful for what’s to come. 🤞🏻🤩🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻
I fear my comments aren't going to be terribly helpful (sorry).
I'm selfishly answering the questions you posed at the end - my divorce was finalised in November 2024, and we were separated since August 2023. I don't think either of us really went through any stages. It's been a painless, amicable process (so far) and we're both happy with the outcome. We still co-habit because of circumstances (the whole having to leave Ukraine, now we're refugees, barely have any money in Vienna, etc). My experience is very atypical, I gather, and I'm happy to be a single father with my daughter my sole priority, whereas my ex (much younger) has herself a serious new partner and is the social butterfly.
It pains me to hear how agonising divorces can be for others, and I feel for you, I really do.
Here's the thing that may or may not help. Mentally, I'm not the strongest person in the world. I'm stressed, anxious, I barely sleep and for the longest time I would overanalyse things, try to figure out what went wrong (especially in past relationships). I reached the point in life - maybe it's age (I'm 48) - and probably due to the war and losing so much that I thought 'fuck it, what's the point?' I've barely analysed or reflected at all, and that's helped me.
So I think I've been stuck, in a good way, between your stages 3-5, and I've settled in there. Christmas (6) seemed to be a catalyst for a setback, so hopefully now that that's done with, there won't be a recurrence? Can you find a way to recapture the mindset of stages 3-5 and stay mentally there?
Stage 9 is a dangerously unhealthy one, and that's what I've managed to avoid. Ten years ago - maybe not. But now...well, fuck it, that's what I've accepted.
That brings us to stage 10, tacit acceptance, and it sounds like you've ended on a great note. This is a really good stage to build on. So, try to embrace stages 3-5 with the conclusion and peace that stage 10 brings and voila, it's smooth sailing ahead! 🤗
Daniel, I'm just so touched that you have read and engaged with everything I've written in such a sensitive way. Thank you ❤️ I don't expect anyone's comments to be helpful, not at all - I simply want to share others' experiences, and that's what you've enabled me to do. I appreciate it very much.
I have no idea if my experience is that same as anyone else's, but it's a curious thing to reflect on it. I do sometimes wonder if my launch into Substack has helped or hindered my processing - I'm really not sure, it does make me dwell on things somewhat - but I tend to think it's helped, given my emotional nature. Certainly, it's given me a sense of purpose when I didn't have one, it's created a much-needed community, and it's resurrected a part of me that I'd started to ignore.
I honestly do feel like I've reached a point of acceptance, at last. I feel things deeply (probably more deeply than I actually allow myself to), and it's taken me (what feels like) a very long time to face into all of the different painful elements of my life transformation. After a difficult few years, I was clinging to my marriage. I just needed to let go, but that was so so painful. However I think I might just about have done it, and that I'm on a healthier path. I think I'm at peace; I certainly feel that way.
Thank you for your support and kindness!
I also wanted to add, I'm sorry to hear that you're stressed and anxious. I think "fuck it" is a wonderful life strategy. I have certainly adopted it for various things. It's just not possible to carry the weight of everything... we don't need to. I hope you find time for things that bring you joy? Like you, I'm not interested in a partner right now. I don't even know where I would find the time. But friendships have saved me. I hope you have good connection in your life.
In a couple of weeks, I'm going to run a three-part series of posts with a rough outline like this:
1 doom and gloom, this sucks, but somehow I seem to be coping and all I want to do is write, write, write, consequences be damned (TL;DR- I'm grumpy and fed up)
2 the power of angry and unleashing hell and the impact it can make, with case studies
3 ending on a positive note - the silver linings and how they allow me to get by without going completely mad
I won't lie, the past few years have been rough and when I tell friends the true extent of it, they think 'how are you keeping it together?' and you know what? I hardly know either, but somehow I have, so why quibble? 🤣
Laughing at the absurdity of everything helps a ton. The writing, despite the ups and downs with trying to make a living off this, helps too. Financially, things are looking rough, but, all things considered, I'm somehow doing okay.
Luckily I'm happy with my own company, I rarely get lonely. If I'm not with my daughter, I'd rather just be on my own, reading or writing. If need be, I can always do a video call with a friend, but most of the time I'm okay doing my own thing.
Thank you for your kind words, these Substack connections are always so valuable and uplifting 🤗
Well I look forward to reading those posts! I empathise with the first, and I’m very curious about 2 and 3. I’m also totally with you on laughter. I couldn’t get through any of this shit without laughing!! And I’m happy you have the connection you want. I think I do too, for the most part. Wonderful friends, kids I adore, family I can laugh with and lean on. Life is really good, all things considered. And yes - I am also super grateful for this wonderful Substack community. It’s an amazing thing 🥰
I bet this was a tough one to write, well done for getting it onto the page. I do think writing it down the tough stuff is helpful though. It doesn't do any good bouncing around in your head.
Thank you Lewis. It was actually quite interesting and cathartic to write. I feel better for doing it. Like I’m being honest and being me. And yes, the writing has helped enormously. I’m finally learning who I am, and I think in a large part it’s down to this incredible place!
Firstly, I want to congratulate you on the Take That reference 🥰 Secondly, I have no advice but it sounds to me like these are all normal, natural stages of a divorce - especially one that drops like a bombshell. Keep writing, keep singing, keep having parties in the ladies loos. You’re amazing! X
I bloody love you. I’m still on for birthday wine with you. And now it seems we have the soundtrack too. Can you do the dance routine to It Only Takes A Minute, though? A few drinks in, and I can absolutely nail it*
*am convinced I can absolutely nail it
Katie, I want to congratulate you for writing and sharing this piece! It takes courage! And it was a huge step in your grieving process.
No matter how it ends, who initiated and how amicable it is (at least in my case), it is a very gnarly experience. Who knew the divorce cost so much less (in my case, anyway), yet it was so much more painful as it dragged on ( it was during COVID, the court dragged on…and on…and on). But there is going back and you move through and as I coined the term “Refried beans”, relearn each of the lesson that the divorce brought on over and over and over again until you got them all. No, it’s not linear, and yes, some grief takes a lifetime, of sort. Until then, feel through all the feelings and find joy in small ways (meet up with friends, enjoy people watching at cafe, self care the shit out of yourself, buy yourself some flowers). One day, just one fine day, you will wake up breathing new air…The point is, keeping going…onward…sending you so much support and love!🩷
That is such a good point about learning and re learning the lessons over and over again until you get them. You’re so right! I’m getting there, I think 🥰 Thank you for your kindness and words of support. Also, I buy myself flowers every week now ☺️
Although I haven't been divorced, I had a massive breakdown 6 years ago which has subsequently brought up loads of stuff from my childhood. At 67, people have been pretty critical about my need to make sense of things (just forget the past and move on) as it was so long ago. I think any loss throughout life can take us back and when we feel we're going backwards, it's terrifying. I've learned to trust my bodily sensations, feelings and emotions after decades of suppressing them and stop thinking how I should be. Our siblings recollection of our childhood can be very different to ours which I've found difficult. You're not only mourning and dealing with the loss of your past, but what you thought your future would look like. I guess the thing to do is feel it all and trust yourself. If our early attachments were insecure, it's really tough to trust ourselves. I'm only just beginning to feel like an adult and I've got 8 grandkids 🤣 no one else has lived your life, trust yourself 🤗 Karen x