My 10 stages of divorce grief (so far)
And where I'm at with it now
Honesty time: I hit a bit of a rough patch at the beginning of this year.
I didn’t talk about it to many people. And I didn’t write any new Substack posts about it either (well… none that I actually published; my drafts are another story). I felt a strange sense of shame about it all, like I shouldn’t be feeling that way… like I should be moving forward. I know, I know, that’s not how life works! But those of you who kindly follow me might have gathered from the darker tone of my notes: I basically tanked.
It resulted in my brother and sister staging an intervention of sorts. I’d poured out a long, emotional, woe-is-me Substack post, and warned them that it was going to be published the next day. It wasn’t pretty. It mentioned my current situation, but also my childhood and our family history, hence me letting them know.
It was basically a cry for help. I sent them the draft, which they dutifully read.
We met over video. They were so sweet and supportive. They told me to go ahead and post it if I needed to share it. But I could tell they were concerned. And frankly, so was I. Why don’t I feel like I’m coping? I thought. Why is this so damn hard all of a sudden?
I’m recognising now that this difficult phase is likely a very normal part of grieving an active loss: a loss that is still very much in daily view.
I think I wasn’t prepared for heartbreak to move through a series of phases, with darkness being a phase that you are likely to revisit. And yet, I know that healing is not a linear progression. Time isn’t necessarily a healer in and of itself. Grief takes as long as it takes.
I can see now that my progression through heartbreak seems to have been via these eight stages, each of varying duration:
Earth-shattering shock. The conversation about ending the marriage, and the ensuing few days.
Freefall. Spiral into a vortex of chaos, how the fuck am I going to cope, up is down, down is up, I feel sick. Survival. Antidepressants.
Anchoring. Gradual stabilising with good friends, family, work, and daily routine. Catching my breath. Rough, choppy waters, but trying to focus on the horizon and getting my sea legs.
Exploration. Also known as “fuck it”. Creative self-discovery. Start writing a Substack. See my own friends when I want, doing what we want. Start a singing duo. Find more paid coaching work.
Release. Freedom. Me!
Oh fuck - Christmas. Memories. More memories. My dying married life on full display. Unavoidable sentimental ritual.
Pain. Oh shit, this is forever. It really is. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. This hurts so much.
Reality. Life-draining depression, without the adrenaline of survival to see me through.
It’s really interesting to see it written out like this. I’ve been through this list several times now and yes… that is basically how it played out.
Number 8 was such a shock that I wondered whether I was actually starting to go backwards. Whether I could cope at all, whether my happy periods were just an illusion, and if the joy I felt was simply some sort of rebound effect or transitory elation from the split (hint: it was, a little bit).
It makes me think of Take That (bear with me here) and a lyric from their song Back For Good:
In the twist of separation
You excelled at being free
However, I see that now, it’s all just part of the process1.
As for where I’m at now, I feel like I’ve been through a couple more stages; I think there might have also been:
9. Revisiting the past. Also could be described as he-said-she-said, digging through the dirt, etc. A possibly fruitless experience, trying to make sense of what really happened.
Because now I think I might be at:
10. Tacit acceptance. Also known as “what do I want?” Drawing a line under the past. Accepting that it’s pointless to go there. Moving forward. Looking at life on my own terms. Living with integrity.
It feels more peaceful here. And strangely, I’m glad to have been through all of the other phases. There is no shortcut through any of this.
Do you have any thoughts? Have you experienced anything like this yourself? Can you observe the different phases you went through? Please share with me. It’s interesting making sense of the making-sense!
Thanks for reading and being a part of this journey with me. Until the next time,
Accidental musical reference to Morcheeba.
I fear my comments aren't going to be terribly helpful (sorry).
I'm selfishly answering the questions you posed at the end - my divorce was finalised in November 2024, and we were separated since August 2023. I don't think either of us really went through any stages. It's been a painless, amicable process (so far) and we're both happy with the outcome. We still co-habit because of circumstances (the whole having to leave Ukraine, now we're refugees, barely have any money in Vienna, etc). My experience is very atypical, I gather, and I'm happy to be a single father with my daughter my sole priority, whereas my ex (much younger) has herself a serious new partner and is the social butterfly.
It pains me to hear how agonising divorces can be for others, and I feel for you, I really do.
Here's the thing that may or may not help. Mentally, I'm not the strongest person in the world. I'm stressed, anxious, I barely sleep and for the longest time I would overanalyse things, try to figure out what went wrong (especially in past relationships). I reached the point in life - maybe it's age (I'm 48) - and probably due to the war and losing so much that I thought 'fuck it, what's the point?' I've barely analysed or reflected at all, and that's helped me.
So I think I've been stuck, in a good way, between your stages 3-5, and I've settled in there. Christmas (6) seemed to be a catalyst for a setback, so hopefully now that that's done with, there won't be a recurrence? Can you find a way to recapture the mindset of stages 3-5 and stay mentally there?
Stage 9 is a dangerously unhealthy one, and that's what I've managed to avoid. Ten years ago - maybe not. But now...well, fuck it, that's what I've accepted.
That brings us to stage 10, tacit acceptance, and it sounds like you've ended on a great note. This is a really good stage to build on. So, try to embrace stages 3-5 with the conclusion and peace that stage 10 brings and voila, it's smooth sailing ahead! 🤗
Sometimes it helps to dig at what went wrong; however, if we knew we were unpicking our marriage thread by thread, we’d have possibly made different choices at the time. Now, many years on from my divorce, I’m glad my first marriage ended but every now and then the shame, guilt, embarrassment, whatever rears up. But it’s silly. We don’t assign that to “normal” breakups. Just divorces. It is just the ending of a chapter, freeing your life for all the joy you have to come. But it’s not easy when you’re in the trenches. Sending so much love and healing. (And I don’t know the details of your marriage in that you have children together so that’s difficult and you may have had a mostly really happy marriage and that also makes it much harder. But you will get there.) 🫶🏻🤞🏻🥰